'Mondo' Crocs

There are invisible lines that, once crossed, you cannot uncross. Simply put, there is no turning back. Sometimes they are small gestures. Other times, big ones, like voting for Vox, going to the office in sweatpants, or buying yourself Crocs. In no case do I mean that all three share moral ground, although for many people I know, they do share the same aesthetic basement.It's not my case. Because, as everyone knows, I live devoted to degradation. Not to the point of voting for Vox, although given my history of negligence and lack of dignity I would never rule it out, but I do have Crocs (two pairs, in fact) and the call of the tracksuit as legitimate daily wear is getting stronger and stronger. It's a matter of time. They will bury me disguised as a junkie, that much is clear to me.Crocs are always a source of controversy. Which surprises me, because if there's one item I'm particularly fussy about in terms of clothing, it's footwear, and if I've chosen Crocs, it's for a series of unbeatable reasons that you all should recognize and, therefore, wipe that look of surprise off your faces. If I wear Crocs, you should all assume that Crocs are cool and bow your heads —to weep at the sight of the sloppiness you've decided to put on your feet this summer.Because there is nothing else that reveals more about a person than the shoes they wear. It's a fact. That's why I always look at your feet. It's like Russian salad in neighborhood bars: if it's good, all other options on the menu will also be good; if you suspect you're putting your life in danger, even sparkling water might give you salmonellosis. In the same way, footwear betrays sloppiness or a minimal attitude when it comes to dressing. And it's not that I want to be a dandy, but in this life you have to be cool. At least, a little bit.The question here is whether you can look cool in Crocs and the answer, despite the American clog brand's extensive brand revitalization, is that, frankly, no, not at all; however, any alternative, except for closed shoes, is even worse. Flip-flops don't hurt the eyes, but they are very uncomfortable, especially if you have to walk more than seven meters; I refrain from commenting on regional versions of summer shoes, because I have no desire for you to burn me alive, but loafers make me want to sink your boat, spill your gin and tonic, or set your villa on fire. Then there are sandals, which personally have always seemed to me like something very Greco-Roman: the Doric, Ionic, and Corinthian of footwear, a bit like going to a wedding all year round.It is, however, in the sandal world that we find the nemesis of Crocs, Birkenstocks, but this is where I bring out my two final arguments.The capacity of Crocs to shock is unbeatable: you feel like you are riding a sacrilege when you wear them, as if you had entered a police station with your ACAB t-shirt. Is there anything more harmless-looking than someone with Birkenstock clogs? On the other hand, I can easily imagine someone with Crocs —or any of their imitations— armed.In fact, here's my final argument: the long history of Crocs in the healthcare field has made one of their great advantages clear: it's easy to clean blood off them. Have you ever tried to remove blood from suede? You might say, "And why on earth do you need to remove blood from your shoes, Joan? Whose blood?". My answer is simple, because, one, you never know; and two, be careful what you ask for, lest the next time you clean them it's your DNA that's embedded in them.