"I didn't let him have female friends, nor him let me have male friends": teenage couples who normalize control and jealousy

PalmMobile phone monitoring, live location sharing, prohibitions on boyfriends having female friends (or girlfriends having male friends), and clothing supervision "for not being provocative." These are dynamics that have spread among many young people and that break with the progress of recent decades in the way romantic relationships are understood. Newer generations are, in many ways, more conservative than previous ones, a step backward that educational institutions are trying to address and combat, despite the power of the messages they receive outside the classroom.

The Ulls de Dona film series, organized by the Estudi General Lul·lià, began its second edition on November 17 and runs until this Thursday, November 20, with a commitment to giving a voice to educational institutions and students. This year, beyond the screenings and discussions about how teenagers experience affective and sexual relationships, the series incorporates an innovative proposal: the filming of short films created by students from three schools in Mallorca.

On the mornings of the 17th, 18th, and 19th, the Estudi General Lul·lià was transformed into a film set thanks to the TEEN project: building cinema about gender violence. A total of 50 students of different ages from IES Inca, IES Mossèn Alcover in Manacor, and CEIP Gabriel Vallseca in Palma participated in all phases of the audiovisual process: scriptwriting, directing, camera operation, lighting, sound, and privacy coordination, among others. The task was a great motivator for them. Guided by industry professionals, the young people were able to explore and narrate their own perspectives on identity, desire, and affective relationships, as well as on how gender-based violence permeates experiences that are often perceived as everyday occurrences. The initiative reinforces educational centers as spaces for creativity and critical thinking, using film as a tool that challenges and transforms.

But the educational goal of raising awareness and transforming behavior clashes with a complex reality. "Yes, I monitor my partner's phone and he monitors mine," explains Samara (a pseudonym), a second-year ESO student at CEIPIESO Gabriel Vallseca. A third-year student (Malik, also a pseudonym) confirms that he does the same and that it's "normal" among his peers. Samara goes even further: "I don't let him have female friends, nor does he let me have male friends," she says. "I'm afraid he might find someone else, that he might cheat on me," she admits, while also stating that she has female friends who are even worse. Malik, for his part, says he wouldn't mind his partner having male friends, but they should know each other's whereabouts at all times. Both are aware that they exhibit behaviors considered toxic and would like to change them.

Control over clothing is also common. Couples monitor what clothes each other considers "appropriate," avoiding showing too much skin or being provocative. When the two young people are asked if they are aware that these dynamics are reminiscent of times when women had minimal rights, such as during the Franco regime, when husbands had to authorize many activities, Samara responds: "Nobody has to give me permission for anything. If I want to meet up with friends, I do. But I tell them first."

The short film shot by the students of Vallseca, entitled Brave Valentina It tells the story of a talented soccer player who, after an injury, loses her confidence. The coach sends his son to cheer her up, an attraction develops between them, but in the end, he comes out as gay. "They didn't like that very much, that he was gay," explains one of the teachers who has been accompanying them. Samara justifies it: "A relationship is between a man and a woman." Malik agrees. When they delve deeper, a harsh reality emerges: homophobic insults, taunts, assaults... "There's a classmate, a friend, who had hairpins thrown at him in the cafeteria (a while back)," Samara recounts. "He had a really bad time," she continues.

Although she says she doesn't like same-sex couples, she also assures that if she saw any aggression, she would intervene. "I don't like injustice," she states. She also explains that, on her street, if you see two men who are a couple or two women, they are spat on and insulted. She would never do that because she understands that "everyone should be able to do what they want."

The words 'gay' and 'faggot' are commonly and derogatorily used among young people. "Saying 'you're so gay' is often used as an insult," says the student. When asked what it means to be gay, she replies, "Some people get breast implants, wear dresses, put on makeup..."—a biased image fueled by unrealistic role models on social media: far-right, sexist, and homophobic profiles. Regarding lesbian women, she says, "They wear their hair short and sometimes shaved." She is shown a photo of the influencer Dulceida, who has shown the world her relationship with a woman and her motherhood. Surprise: "Oh, she's pretty and has long hair," says Samara. Stereotypes about effeminate gay men and masculine lesbian women remain deeply ingrained among many teenagers. So do gender roles. They are, generally, very masculine, and they, very feminine.

Coming out in the classroom is almost impossible today. "I haven't had a student come out in years," says a teacher at the school. The consequences are too harsh: harassment, mockery, attacks. The young man who was hit with forks was also chased in the street. "He suffered terribly," Samara recalls.

The struggle in the classroom

This Wednesday, about fifteen second and third-year ESO students from Gabriel Vallseca participated in their inclusive short film, taking on roles such as producer, director, and screenwriter. They laughed and had a good time, but the underlying theme is far from comedy: toxic relationships, homophobia, and violence against women. These are realities that exist, that are growing, and that society must combat. And one of the most crucial battles is fought in the classroom.

Schools and teachers dedicate their time, energy, and awareness. But faced with the noise of social media, hate speech, and screens that never sleep, the fight is unequal: David versus Goliath. And yet, there is always room for hope: "We must respect everyone, no matter who they are," concludes Samara, under the watchful eyes of her teachers, pleased to have managed to shift their student's perspective from what it was just minutes before.