Should children be rewarded for getting along?

BarcelonaAlmost everyone has fallen into the trap of rewarding their children for tasks that are their responsibility, like going to the movies if they get along well during a long adult meal, or buying them packs of that sticker collection they love so they'll do their homework quietly and with focus. But is it advisable to reward them in these situations?

"It's a complicated dilemma," acknowledges Sylvie Pérez, a collaborating professor in the psychology and education sciences department at the UOC (Open University of Catalonia). The first thing families should understand, she points out, is that children don't know what it means to get along, nor are they aware of what adults expect of them when they are between 5 and 8 years old. "For them, getting along is a very abstract concept; you have to break it down into a concrete example for them to understand, like 'don't move,' 'don't get up,' or 'be quiet,'" she explains. "Little by little, they internalize what is expected of them based on what adults say, but they don't develop abstract concepts on their own until around age thirteen," the psychologist adds.

Is it good to reward them?

Pérez doesn't object to "rewarding" children for completing their daily tasks correctly, as long as it's done in a "natural" way. "Rewards work with children just as they do with adults; it's important to know how we use them. They must be effective and help generate and internalize habits or behaviors we want to see repeated over time," she adds. However, she also makes it clear that a child's behavior shouldn't depend solely on a reward.

What to reward?

When we talk about rewarding, according to the expert, it's not the result but the effort involved. "Small steps should be rewarded; for example, at school the reward shouldn't be passing the grade, but rather doing homework well, underlining notes, or making summaries," says Pérez. Another aspect to consider is that the reward should be for something achievable for the child. If, for example, they have always failed English, the reward could be when they pass the first exam, rather than waiting until they pass the entire subject.

What should this reward look like?

You shouldn't reward or punish with something that's still a long way off, like forbidding them from going to a friend's birthday party next week or promising they'll go to that water park they love so much in the summer. "It has to be something immediate and meaningful, something that has value for the child," she points out. However, Pérez clarifies that this value doesn't have to be material. Rewards can range from an encouraging word or a hug to watching a movie on TV with the family or playing a board game you have at home.

What's more effective, punishment or reward?

If the goal is to reinforce a habit or behavior, according to Pérez, reward is far more effective than punishment. "It works much better to reward when something is done well than to punish when it's done poorly." However, what should be avoided is the expectation that everything will be rewarded. "You have to anticipate when something will be rewarded, not take it for granted," he concludes.