Why does he always answer me rudely?

BarcelonaWho hasn't found themselves in the situation of asking a child or young person something and receiving, almost systematically, a rude response, as if they were constantly angry? This attitude always stems from some underlying situation, and it only takes a little digging to understand the cause and how to address it. As Laura Aut, psychologist and director of the Psilaut center, points out, it's important to understand that every expression from children is meant to convey something: it's a reaction and, often, a way of communicating a need, even if it's done inappropriately.

"We must also consider the context. Often, families are overwhelmed by work, obligations, and the pace of life. All of this diminishes parents' patience and makes them more irritable. This can create a vicious cycle in which both adults and children end up communicating in the same way."

In this context, Aut points out that children may feel "unseen" and try to claim more time and attention in some way. She emphasizes that it's also important to understand that stress isn't exclusive to adults: children also accumulate pressure (school, extracurricular activities, demands...), which can lead to emotional overload that they end up expressing through maladaptive behaviors. "Considering their age and developmental level, we must understand that they are still learning to manage emotions and frustration."

Therefore, if an adult sets a limit or things don't go as planned, anger is common. This is especially true for younger children, who don't yet have sufficient tools to regulate impulses and curb certain reactions. Thus, Aut reminds us that anger or rage is just the tip of the iceberg, but if we look beneath the surface, we often find stress, insecurity, frustration, and a clear need for time and presence.

According to Aut, there are developmental stages in which difficulty managing emotions, such as anger, leads to emotional outbursts. This is especially common in children between the ages of 3 and 6, who are developing autonomy and beginning to test boundaries. Another particularly critical period is pre-adolescence and adolescence, as it is a stage in which one's own identity is constructed, norms are questioned, and limits are tested. "The fact that it is common at certain stages does not mean that it shouldn't be addressed or redirected. We must support children through these moments and avoid normalizing aggressive behavior, whether directed towards oneself or others. In other words, it is part of development, but it should not be trivialized. Children must learn to manage it so that it doesn't become a pattern of behavior."

How can parents act in these cases?

Aut emphasizes that it's important to understand that children need time, learning, and emotional support. During an outburst, it's crucial that parents don't stoop to the same emotional level and avoid engaging in the conflict with shouting or tension. It's preferable to speak and act calmly, using brief, clear messages and a low tone of voice, adapted to their level of understanding. "Parents should set limits on behavior, not emotions. You can validate what they feel, but also establish what is unacceptable. For example, 'I understand you're angry, but I won't accept you speaking to me like that. Let's talk again when you're calmer.'" Then, it's time to talk about what happened: ask them how they felt, what they needed, if they think they could have expressed it differently... Finally, Aut points out, it's essential to reinforce this: praise them whenever they are able to express their emotions and needs appropriately.

Can punishments solve this situation?

"The goal parents seek is not for children to suffer or have a bad time in any way; what they want is for them to learn. What we can use are logical, consistent, and immediate consequences," recommends Aut.

How can this situation be reversed?

As Aut explains, psychology professionals typically propose three lines of intervention. The first aims to reduce anger outbursts, both through prevention and intervention. "That's why we suggest a sleep hygiene routine, stimulus control, and the promotion of routines, as well as working on self-control through breathing exercises, relaxation, creating a calm space, and so on." The second focuses on teaching new skills, such as making demands, increasing frustration tolerance, teaching negotiation strategies, and understanding consequences like repairing the damage after a conflict has occurred. "Ultimately, working with the family is key. Therefore, it's necessary to review their communication style and work towards a model of self-regulation."

When is it necessary to seek professional help?

According to Aut, it's advisable to seek help when parents feel overwhelmed, but taking into account the frequency (when there are daily conflicts), the intensity (insults, aggression), and the duration (how difficult it is to regain calm and whether the child is clearly distressed). "It's also important to be attentive if there's a decline in school performance, changes in the child's socialization, or sudden changes in behavior."